Regret?

Yesterday, upon arriving for lectures, a fellow coursemate asked me if I managed to get distinctions for both of the previous modules. When I said no, and that I’ve only managed to get credits, she lamented to me how it was a waste that one could not get distinctions.

To be honest, that single question ruined my entire evening. The last thing I wanted to hear was the comparison of grades.

This was in contrast to what a friend told me at a BBQ function recently. She mentioned that although  grades are important, they cannot get you everywhere. It’s more than paper when one is in the workforce. And as head of a deaprtment  in school, she challenged me to think about the importance of skills such as interpersonal skills, which are essential when it comes to networking, working with fellow colleagues as well as one’s superiors. I agree wholeheartedly. I remembered how she told me sternly, “If you are going to be a teacher or be in the Social Service dealing with schools, you can have all the grades you want. However, how is your relationship(s) with others in the process? The relationships you foster when meeting the parents? Putting into practice the skills and theories you have learnt and acquired  in your course of study, it’s going to be a completely different world when you step out there, I can assure you of that. The ball’s in your court then, how are you going to play it?”

Her words were a wake up call to me. Though she sounded “fierce” when I told her about how I am having a hard time coping with my second year, I knew she meant well. Those words were an excellent piece of advice.

I believe I can use them to remind myself not to give up or feel disheartened when I am faced with  questions such as the one mentioned above. It serves as a motivation to just continue to study and finish up this course.

However, although Social Work and Counseling have always remained a branch of study I am passionate about, I still harbour second thoughts. Second thoughts such as why I did not do my A’s or enrol into the Mass Communication course at NA poly  when I was given the opportunity to do so back then? As I was entering my particulars for the relief teaching position and viewing the entrance to some of the bachelors and post-graduate diplomas programmes offered by NUS,  I was overwhelmed by sadness . I am filled with regret. The words ” If only..” came to mind. If only, I have taken another route, things would have turned out differently.

However, having said that, I know it’s pointless crying over spilt milk. I still have to move on. Finish this degree, and embark on my next step. I cannot afford to be fickle anymore. And I have to learn to entrust the rest of my future plans to Him.

 

 

Moving on..

There are times in one’s life where certain things have to come to an end. I realized that today. Your reaction showed it all. Somehow, I’m glad that infatuation period has ended for you. You deserve someone better, not me. We just cannot see eye to eye. There are a number of things which I hope you’ll consider  before talking about bringing this friendship to a higher level. Things such as how to  treat a lady properly and not give her the money  and ask her to get whatever she wants. My apologies for digging up this incident, however this was the last straw. After so many times, I’m very disappointed.  I wish you all the best in your future en devours. And may you find someone who loves you for who you are. All the best, my friend.

Personally, I’m moving on. Concentrating on my walk with Him, growing deeper with Him as He teaches and unfolds the plans He has for me. Also, concentrating on my degree, doing my best as well as on the job(s) which I will be embarking in the near future. And of course, focusing on achieving my goals, spending more time with my family, friends, the list goes on..

To me, most importantly is the need to love and seek Him first and I believe  the rest of things will just naturally fall into place. This includes the issue of relationships. I believe He has someone for me, someone who loves Him as much as I do and whom together we can serve, encourage and grow. =)

A mistake?

The first week of the new semester is finally over. The introduction to the 2 new modules, my verdict on the both of them? They definitely sound more interesting than the previous two. However the workload is tedious! Not to mention, the stiff competition from some PEOPLE in the class. My goodness. I’m seriously beginning to muse over my reasons for embarking on this course in the first place. I mean firstly why are the modules focusing on Community when it’s supposed to be Counseling? And secondly, is obtaining the paper qualifications everything?

Having said that, it’s not that I do not view hard work as a necessity, I do. One has to put in the effort, however is chasing,  being so competitive in grades truly the main gist of studying for this course? Ultimately, the aim is to help those in need, to enable them to empower themselves. Hence, I do not see how getting perfect As on your result slip makes you a better counselor than one who does not.

Pardon me,  but I am getting sick and tired of the competition. I would be lying to myself if I deny  that this “survival of the fittest” ideology does not have an effect on  me, it does. To a large extent,  I may add.

I’m also fed-up of the sarcastic remarks people have been telling me with regards to the fact that I don’t have to work. Please if you’re reading this, try to look at it this way. In terms of experience, you have gained much more than I have. You know what to expect from most employers whereas I do not. And upon graduation, I will need to learn to adapt from scratch. In all things, there’s two sides to a coin. It depends on how you look at it.

Speaking of jobs, I’m currently looking for one. And yes, I’m almost done with submitting my applications to the education minstry. I hope that clarifies the fact that I’m not just an undergraduate who just keeps studying. AND DOES NOTHING ELSE.

Believe me, I cannot wait to graduate from this. The best years of one’s life should be when she’s studying, or so they say. I beg to differ, my university life is a sharp contrast to the latter.

 

What a Day.

I love this song by James Blunt, it’s so beautiful. A perfect match for the lazy weekend.

Yesterday’s appointment was a disaster. Honestly, till today, I still don’t get it. There’s no proper reason or conclusion to the incident. I will not be elaborating again. I’m tired of doing so. Neither am I going to pursue the matter, it’s pointless.

However, I agree with what a dear friend mentioned, being played out does create a phobia in you. It’s not the first time people have done this to me. In a separate incident, I remember waiting 3 hours for someone. In the end, the person did not show up. I was fuming mad, of course. However, beneath the anger, was a feeling of sheer disappointment. The same goes for what happened yesterday. I’m very disappointed. And I will have to think twice before considering to meet up with you again.  I am not very fond of history repeating itself.

After waiting for over an hour yesterday, I took the train to Sengkang and a bus back. It was a good time of reflection. As the bus drove past Seletar Air Base camp, I was reminded of the times I was at one of the colonial houses with a friend. And the meeting with an SIA pilot who came to my aid when I was lost, looking for directions to  the bus stop. In a blink of an eye, it’s been 3 years. I wonder what my friend who studied with me in her dad’s house is doing now. I have not seen her since.

I’m truly thankful to all my dear friends for being there for me with regards to this incident. Thank you so much for availing your time to be such a wonderful listener, encourager and for your concern. Even till’ this morning, some of you never fail to ask me if I am okay. Thank you so very much. I am  so blessed to have known all of you. =)

 

 

 

Bye bye.

I took a listen to Mariah Carey’s new single, Bye Bye and the memories I spent with my loved ones who are no longer around flashed across my mind. My eyes welled up with tears as the song played. The saying “Cherish the ones you love, time is too short” is so true indeed.

This year alone, I lost two people whom I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for. One was a fellow church member, the other was a History  Head of Department teacher at a school here. I still remember the words of wisdom they used to share with me.  They will always remain vivid in my memory. I still miss the both of you till this very day.

The person I can relate the closest to with this song would be my grandmom. The days and nights she stayed up to be with me, comforting me when I was feeling down. When I felt noone understood me during my teenage years, she would be there. Although she did not quite understand the English language, I remembered how she would always try her best to cheer me up. Whether it was through cooking for me those sweet desserts or sharing with me her stories, growing up as a young kampong girl.

All the things we did, the times we spent are priceless, neither money nor anyone can ever replace them.

The same goes for my two dear friends mentioned above. Rest in peace. I will always love all of you.

 

 

 

 

Screwed it up.

Yesterday’s paper was a complete disaster. I, for one did not even know what the hell I was writing. And the first question with relation to common sense and social analysis, I did a comparison of which I did not even know if I understood the question.

On the way home with a fellow coursemate, we both agreed that the revision was not exactly beneficial. And we definitely preferred lecturers who went straight to the point and who gave us  concrete pointers as it certainly did help us score well for those papers.

As for this unit, I’m speechless. I don’t even know if I will pass. Moreover to add to the misery, there is a Community Work report which is due on the 25th. Good god, what a terrible start to the first semester of my second year.

Not to mention, my assignments, it’s all thanks to that Australian lecturer, I’ve lost my passion for doing them. Never had I ever come across someone as crude as her. I know it’s already over however I’m still very sore about it. Couldn’t she have been kinder in the remarks and more lenient with the marking? It definitely affects one psychologically. Damn it.

Apart from screwing up my paper, I received the schedule for my next semester and sadly, I doubt I will able to go for the camp afterall. As the date for the submission of the first assignment clashes with the camp. I am highly doubtful I will bring my laptop there just to do the assignment. Hence, I shall be staying in Singapore.

I must admit after enrolling into this course, there were several sacrifices I had to make along the way. Although it annoys me, theres nothing much I can do to change the situation. Therefore, I will just have to make do with it for another year.

As it was a sleepless night for me, I took the time off to contemplate on future plans. As with cross reference to a question which was being discussed in the youth meeting two Saturdays ago, I decided that my next step might (not) be taking the post-graduate dip. in Social Work. As it might not lead me to my ultimate career. I might take a different route. Taking a post-graduate dip. overseas, majoring in  my favorite subject. =) For that would allow me then to be a step closer to fulfilling my goal.

However, that will only be in the near future. As for now, I’ll just have to finish my degree and work in the Social Service sector for 4-5 years before I move on. I am certain that these 4-5 years will allow me to gain new insights and will bring forth fruitful experiences.

Having said that, I will do better for the next two units. I definitely will, for I am no longer competing with anyone but myself. To be able to finally join the teaching profession is one of the main reasons which will spur me on.  

 

The final straw..

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged all the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
                                                      (Daughtry, 2007)

The lyrics of the song says it all, it’s over.

Yes it’s finally over and having said that, I close this chapter.

I should have known better, I was taken for a ride. Again and again. He agreed to something he could not fulfill.

Whether it was purpose driven or he had his reasons, it does not matter anymore.

What my dear friend said was true, it’s time to let go of the past I’ve been keeping with me all these years. And move on towards a bright future. Kicking things off with a healthy start. =)

A V V BIG  thank you to all my dearies who have helped me during this difficult time. I would not have made it through without your support, advises and making me realise he’s not worth getting emotionally upset over.

It’s definitely not going to be easy to be strong, at times I know I’ll succumb to my emotions. However I know I will be, with His help. For I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. =)

Once again, thank you so much for being there for me, I’m truly blessed to have known all of you. =)

And yes, I gotta admit, because of this matter, I’ve been neglecting my walk with Him. I’m sorry Lord. Please help me to fix my eyes on You, and teach me to walk in Your ways. For I know You know  better than I do, and You’ve only the best for me. Please guide and teach me every step of the way as You make me  to be the woman You want to be. In Your name, I pray, Amen.

I’m truly thankful that He is ever faithful and in Him can we find comfort and rest. =)

Hence, to everyone reading this, if you’re down, don’t despair for in Him theres hope and joy. =)

Messed up.

I’ve not been eating, nor sleeping well for the past few weeks.

This has caused  mom to worry. However, I just can’t seem to eat. Every time I try to take a bite, I’ll end up putting the utensils back on the table and I’ll be taking fluids instead. Hence for now, my diet consists of biscuits and water. I’ve given up trying to eat rice, pasta, noodles etc. The mention of these “heavy” foods just makes me loose my appetite, for no apparent reason.

Not to mention, it has been made worse by all the current happenings in my life. Such as the passing of two beloved friends.

 I took my friend’s advice, to try again later tonight(However, will I?). Moreover,  I’m so caught up with the preparations and the readings for the report and the exams respectively that I have simply lost track of time.

On a side note: I was watching the Tyra Banks show yesterday evening, and these words from a CEO left an impact on me. “ For single women, when one is on the issue of relationships, the person you’re gonna call your spouse will be someone you’re gonna grow together, someone you’ll be spending the rest of your life with. Unless you’re very certain, if not give yourself time.”

I find these words of wisdom applicable to a current situation.

Uncertainty

“If It’s coming over you, like coming over me,

Crashing like a tidal wave, that drags  me out to sea.

I can only take so much,

These tears are turning me to rust.

Crashing like a tidal wave,

I don’t wanna be stranded.” (Jenifer Paige)

 I know I ought to be happy. I should be glad that you, a close dear friend agreed to meet up this week after such a long time.

However, am I really happy? I am without a doubt definitely   looking forward to seeing you, but at the same time I can’t help but wonder would you cancel it on me the last minute, like you did before.

Or even deny that you’ve agreed to meet up in the first place when I do call to finalise the details. Honestly, I’m beginning to wonder if you were sober when you spoke to me that night.. judging from the responses which came from you.

Despite the fact that we have come so far, to be where we are today, there were the unpleasant times and seriously, I do not wish history to repeat itself.

I spoke to a dear friend and she had advised me earlier to consider this  meticulously.

Gosh, why am I always going in circles with regards to this? Sometimes I think I am really stupid. I’ve tried to put the doubts and apprehensions aside yet I can’t, why?

Just when I was filled with elation not too long ago, I’m presently feeling so down. It is as though my happiness is always deemed to be short lived..  

Precious memories

While I was chatting with a dear friend last night, our conversation shifted from the recent events in our lives to dwelling on the days we were students at WSS. From the songs which were popular during our teenage days, to the songs which were played in our canteen for a period of time. So much so, that we soon grew sick and tired of listening to them.

Boarding the bus to lectures every Monday evening, never fails to bring back those memories whenever it passes by the school building. Seeing the renovation, my old Science block being demolished to make way for a much classier building definitely stirred up emotions within me. For that building was where I did my Chemistry experiments, learned to cook and sew. Goodness, I’m such a sentimental ex-student. =p

I’ve to admit none of those mentioned above were my favorite subjects when I was a pupil. However, upon reflection, I realized those were skills which were essential thus the necessity to study and take them back then.

Even as the both of us agreed we shall return with the rest of the ladies(or perhaps with the guys as well), I could not help but wonder what the reactions of our respective teachers would be. Particularly, our own individual favorites. =)

I shall proceed straight to meet the HOD of Humanities if I return, I reckon. To give him the gift he so deserves for giving me all his materials and even his personal textbook, something he had treasured all these years. Until today, whenever I have the time, I still read it. And even as I continue to read it, I’m amazed at how the students(including himself) managed to pass with flying colors in History despite the boring pages which are filled with all words and not many colorful pictures. What a huge contrast to the textbooks which  students use today.

And knowing that one of my all time favorite teachers has shifted to the pastoral care and guidance department, it gives me an even greater sense of excitement to meet him. I’m sure  I can discuss some theories from my current course and learn alot from him. =)

Although I was not at all a popular student back then, looking back, I realized what mattered most was the knowledge I’ve gained in WSS. The sayings of teachers who have helped shaped me into who I am today, to a certain extent.

That probably explains my passion to join the teaching profession. I’m aware of the tremendous amount of stress teaching brings with it. However, at the end of the day it’s that joy of knowing I’ve impacted someone’s life that matters. =) And yes, of course to make my closest teachers who have become my dearest friends over the years, proud. Their wishes to see me lecture at a level of education one of these days come true. I haven’t forgotten the promise I made to the 3 of you. =)

Although I won’t be joining the teaching profession just as yet, I realized this can be applied even when dealing with my clients. “Empowering them to empower themselves.” It’s so true when a dear friend of mine once said “It’s not the grades that matters(Although they’re no doubt important), what’s most important is the learning process. I agree to a full extent. =)

On a side note: I know I have mentioned this before, but I just can’t wait for Sunday. The day I’ll be wearing my Punjabi suit and snapping pictures of my church mates and their friends in their different suits and costumes. I’m certain it will be a day filled with a spectacular array of colours. =)

And yes mom stayed up with me last Sunday to watch Mangal Pandey: The Rising. The show was fantastic. Not to mention, I caught Jamie Oliver’s Jamie’s Kitchen Australia today and I must say, he has given me a brand new meaning to why I’m studying this course. =)